HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
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Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”