What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
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“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them