Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
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Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Not now. I’m deglazing.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.