god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
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[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.