I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
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Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together