Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
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I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
CRYING
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Penguins walking in 5x speed
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.