I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
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We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
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You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation