If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
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I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
True.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world