If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
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I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Just me?
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?