i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
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Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
The news in a nutshell.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Bike for sale
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl