if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
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my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Seems a bit forward
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that