I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
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Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Breaking news:
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.