me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
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Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is