I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
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Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.