Go girl power!
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ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.