went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
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“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me, scrolling to find my birth year