[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
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I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
This makes total sense…
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.