Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
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Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
This week’s mood.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Me, reading some of your tweets
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall