Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
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[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.