robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
You Might Also Like
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
#CoronaOutbreak
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
started wrapping my pills in cheese
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.