sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
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Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes