Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
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Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line