This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
You Might Also Like
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.