*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
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i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY