Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
You Might Also Like
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.