BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
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Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
let’s discuss
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french