you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
You Might Also Like
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Namaste
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.