I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
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My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Word!
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?