INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
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Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
catch me on valentine’s day like
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.