Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
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“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
i love modern commerce
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.