I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
You Might Also Like
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
new record!
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.