6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
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Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy: