SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
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[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Breaking news:
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
damn he’s good
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.