If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
You Might Also Like
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Thoughts
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types