Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
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🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart