Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
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[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.