Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Um … Hot Wings please
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.