[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
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Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.