I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
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woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.