Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
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[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.