I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
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Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Nice try, NASA
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”