tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
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I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog