If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
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the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Google assistant rules
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself