Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
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Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”