My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
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Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I bet birds love this building.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?