[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
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Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
This is not me but this is me
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date