Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
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Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.