I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
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Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Merry Christmas
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock