Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
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I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.