Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
You Might Also Like
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal